This guy she goes out with from Jdate had the best pick up line EVER (and by best, I mean he’s a total social, idiot savant).

This guy says to my friend while on a jdate with her, and I quote…”I wanna get sweaty with you.”

Ha, nothing gets my juices flowing faster than a line like that one! Apparently, my friend shares this sentiment.

My question was answered waaaayy sooner than expected.

Via text during the weekend:

“I don’t think that meeting you Tuesday is such a good idea. I’m still in love with my ex-girlfriend and I want to try and work things out. Sorry.”

I’m waiting for someone to jump out and tell me that I’m being pun’k.

Got to respect this guy for his honesty though.

Here’s my (by no means definitive) list of those that need not apply:

-Guys that im you with nothing to say beyond “hi.” When you im someone the own-ness is on you to make the conversation, to intrigue the conversation-ee. Why should I want to get to know you? Plus, it shows me how un-interesting and lazy you are.

-Guys that say they are driven, motivated or any variation of that (more specifically any kind of buzz word that really means I am my job, or I am a work-a-holic). Guys, this is not a job interview, although don’t get me wrong, very much like one. The fact that you say you are driven, just means you’re are empty and uninteresting to me. Instead describe yourself, “I really like to do this…” etc.

-Guys that like to cuddle (or at least those that explicitly state so in their profile). I don’t know about you, but I am not an equal opportunity cuddler. Cuddling at least to me, is another form of intimacy.  I prefer not to be intimate with just anyone.  I don’t dole out my cuddles like street pu-tang.  Plus, it sounds really sad if you say you like to cuddle, like along the lines of, I’ll take what I can get, when I can get it.

You need not apply if you’re a cuddle-slut.

-If you are more than 10 years older than me. Duh.

-Also-

-Guys that ask you if you’re looking for a sugar daddy. Clearly, as a reasonably intelligent women who is neither maimed nor a leaper, I am looking for some middle-aged loser nearly twice my age who may or may not have amassed a small fortune, the latter is definitely the likely-er possibility.

Reality Check: If I were looking I would find you, it’s kinda uncouth (at the very least) to ask. Plus, if I were looking for a sugar daddy I would want one closer to my age. I suggest those trolling for flesh, look on craigslist.

-Guys who im you and ask to meet them immediately. I’m talking about guys that say “Hi,” and in the next breath say “Do you want to meet up right now at 11:48PM.” Let’s have a conversation first, or is that too much trouble? Apparently its too much trouble to even meet a girl, you would much rather select her, like one looks for cereal in a supermarket.

Jdate gives this superficial idea of safety because one, we are all Jews (we are of the same group) and two, often you meet people who are only one degree of separation from you on jdate (not cousins, but friends of friends, went to the same sleep away camp, etc.).

This guy imed me who was eerily familiar to me. Turns out he was the friend of a former fling and the former fling’s girlfriend.  Awkward!

He wanted to go out with me, which was really puzzling to me because after all wasn’t I his friend’s seconds of sorts?

Honestly, what guy would do that?

I agreed reluctantly and met him. He was a really nice guy…the catch…he stuttered…BAD. I know, I know I sound like a primadonna, but I truly was unable to look past it.

So it all made sense.

“Some guys really are that clueless.“

Ohhhhh, I get it now! Like for example what would possess a guy to ask upon the first im “Are you a sexual person,” and when asked to clarify, (because no one is that stupid) he said “Do you like to have sex a lot, because I need someone who likes to have sex a lot,” is that he just really is that clueless.  Well…that sucks…gosh, maybe someone should tell him.

In any case, I feel that I have noticed a pattern in some of the guys that were fortunate enough to have been graced by my presence, however briefly.

Guys learn how to deal with rejection. In case you missed it the first time, GUYS LEARN HOW TO DEAL WITH R-E-J-E-C-T-I-O-N!

First of all, think about it…I’m really nothing to get your panties in a twist over. You are not personally invested in me because you don’t know me. Until we meet, I am a picture that can type, a fembot if you will.

Let me give you a preview of my current events:

I deleted the first part because I never thought I would hear from this person again so I am paraphrasing.

via Text

It’s not cool that you’re late even to a stranger. “But I’m not thinking about this again, don’t get me wrong. I am chiller than that.“

Next:

“I’m deleting your number now, but I realize what happened. You saw me and made a flash decision. Harsh. Whatever woman.”

And the following day:

“I found your number and wanted to message you a Fuck You before I throw it out. Hope this wakes you!”

I actually want to thank this person. Thank you for confirming for me that I made the right decision about you.

Lesson: It’s worse when your antics become my entertainment. Don’t be that guy.

Zach was another guy that is gonna make some lucky girl really happy someday, just not this one.

Zach is what the more enlightened would call a catch. He was down-to-earth, funny, good-looking, (even better looking in person than in pictures. When does that ever happen?) and super chill.

Zach also had the misfortune of going out with me on a really bad day, I had lost my job.

I went over to GP’s  after work that day for some consoling. I texted Zach and told him that I was at a friend’s house, I was filthy-dirty from work so he wouldn’t get his hopes up. He said he was painting all day so he would stay dirty too, fair is fair. GP made dinner and I lost track of time. I checked the time and shit I was late. I texted Zach and told him to forgive me that I was running late. By the time I caught up with Zach I was running even later, actually literally at this point I was running. I call him and he sees me before I see him and says “You better run.”

Points to him for being witty, funny, and breaking the ice. Breathless, I call him an asshole. Points to him also for letting me both call him an asshole, and for making me feel comfortable enough to do so. Although, if I were keeping count he loses points for showing up all cleaned up, not at all paint soaked.

We go to a local dive bar which I love, and talk easily. He says I’m great because I laugh at all his dumb jokes. I in fact, love his dumb jokes. We seem like old friends which is the problem. I observe that he’s good looking, but somehow I am just not attracted to him. It’s sad for me because he possesses all the important qualities that I am looking for. He is even edgy, which is so hard to find.

I’m feeling so comfortable with Zach that I tell him about some of the previous horrible jdates that I had been on. It may or may not have been mentioned that any guy that doesn’t pay on the first date, doesn’t get a second date from me.

It’s getting late and we get the check and I pick it up to pay. He says no, and I insist, so he offers to thumb wrestle for the bill. Loser pays. I let him win and pay the check. He looks bewildered and takes this as a bad sign, asking me, “Is this a test?” I offer up that I was late, so I owe him. Actually he is one of the few guys I didn’t mind showing appreciation to, and maybe subconsciously, I knew he was in the friend-zone.

So no one is perfect.

I told him we would go out at night, at a time to-be-announced, after I got home from work, around three. At four o’clock he calls me, and I tell him that I am just about to get ready. He tells me that he is here, here meaning at my house…right now.

I had just gotten out of the shower, dripping wet.

I give him this information, thinking that he would say “That’s fine, I’ll just kill time until you’re ready,” but no he insists on coming in.

I figure I’ll go with it because “Hey, I can be spontaneous too,” even though the girly-girl part of me was sobbing on the inside for his ruining of the mystique.

I let him in, hiding behind the door and I tell him that  “I look horrible.”  “I don’t normally have guests in my house when I’m in this state”. He says that I don’t look horrible at all.

Points for him.

He lays on my bed and plays with my cats like he is an old friend that has been in my apartment a thousand times. I had mixed feelings about that.

We go to a local rock music venue and have a great time chatting, drinking, and flirting. We run into some of his friends and then run into some more of his friends, all according to him that he hadn’t seen in forever.

He drops me off and we agree to brunch in the morning.

Except he doesn’t make it to brunch the next day. He calls me that day around the time that we had the date, 24 hours ago and tells me that he was out partying the night away after he dropped me off.  He had slept in, like 4 hours too late.

He said he really did want to go to brunch with me.

I said no more chances.

Damn bad boys.

I talked and giggled about the impending date that night with GP and company at work. I told everyone the name of the restaurant I was going to that night, and it was agreed upon by all that I would have a good time. Shows what kind of friends I have, that they didn’t even break it to me as to what kind of place it was.

I figured I would be nice and bring my favorite alcoholic beverage lambic framboise, also providing him some insight into who I am and what I like. Plus, I’m allergic to wine. I got all dolled up in a way that says I-look-pretty-but-just-threw-this-thing-on-kinda-way. I got to the place ten minutes early and my face just drops. I hope that nobody sees me here! I panic and call a lifeline, one of my closest friends and send her a picture text (thank you modern technology). We both shared a good laugh…for awhile. My first instinct was to jet from that place, chalk it up, and call it a night. But hell, it was a Friday night, it was nearly nine o’clock, and I looked hot!

First off, he’s late, a whole half an hour late. He gets there and I realize that the profile pictures of him are of him at his very best angles, but no matter. We sit down and we talk. He chooses a booth in the corner near the door. Since that date I pick my seating more strategically now. There was no way I could make an exit.

I set the alcohol on the table, and Mr. “Haxflo” says “you brought…THAT!” Okay, okay I’ll let that one slide. The waitress comes by and we order. He orders an appetizer and an entree, I order an entree. He asks me if I eat steak, I explain to him no, he asks me if I eat fish, I explain the reasons to him as to why I do not. Prince charming they proceeds to argue with me about my lifestyle choices accusing me of being some sort of mindless, hippie, liberal…as if his berating is gonna make me somehow see the light. All this in less than 3o seconds after ordering dinner…I couldn’t help but have a sinking feeling.

I decided to change the conversation to something more lighthearted and to something we shared in common. I jokingly told him that my friend is also on jdate and that we were doing it together. He asks, what’s wrong with my friend that she’s on there. Strike two, insult my eating habits, insult my friends. I jokingly tell him that him and I have broken the jdating rules that my friend had set forth. He goes on a diatribe about how “wouldn’t it be awful to tell people we met on jdate?”

At this point I take a full glass of alcohol to the head in order to be able to tolerate this guy until the end. I’m silent, silent-stunned actually, which is rare. Mr. “Haxflo” asks me if I am gonna run out. I would say that, that is a pretty good indicator that the date is not going so well. I silently, seriously contemplate it. I get up to use the restroom to rethink my game plan. I check my cell phone and its GP, always my cheerleader, she asks me how my date is going, I tell her horrible. She asks me if she needs to call in an emergency, and I tell her no I’m gonna handle this.

I take a deep breath and thank g-d as I walk back to the table, our food is there. I eat silently, and dumbass clueless Mr. “Haxflo” mentions that I must be really hungry. Wow, Mr. smooth is calling me a pig on the first date…Ladies why hasn’t someone snatched this guy up?

To make conversation, Mr. “Haxflo” tells me about his tales of drunken debauchery. While entertaining, totally inappropriate, and totally raunchy. At this time he thinks the date is going better.

We get the check and I don’t even offer to pay…small consolation prize as far as I’m concerned.

We exit the restaurant, and I’m searching for a cab. I start to walk towards the street in order to hail a cab, but that fact hasn’t sunk in for Mr. “Haxflo” Looking a little confused, he says “Can I see you again?”  I respond with a nonchalant, “No.”  “No?” “Why!” he says. I tell him, “not to worry about it,” with one foot in the cab.

You would think that was the end of it…But no. I get home, decompress, and log on to facebook. Lo and behold there is a status update from Mr. “Haxflo” in my honor. It says…”I hate free loading bitches.”

I’m quite stunned not only by his audacity but also because of his stupidity. This guy doesn’t know how to play the game, he is essentially giving me the benefit of letting me know that I got to him.

Feeling much braver at this point, and a little tipsy I text him. I tell him I resent his comment, it is wholly untrue, my intention of going out with him that night was not for the sole reason of getting a meal. A free meal is never worth putting up with a curmudgeon, ever.

Then a back and forth ensues. He tells me that I am looking for a lie, someone with better presentation than him, who absconds the truth. He wishes me that all my future lovers cheat on me, and that I have a life of nothing but misery and hell.

I wished him good luck.

In any event, he must have saw something in me, that couldn’t keep him away from my jdate profile every now and then. I guess he thinks I’m playing hard to get.

Mr. Haxflo was my first date since joining jdate. He deflowered me so to speak. I thought I was in like from our first conversation. I broke Rules 1,2, and 6 for this guy.

We spoke every night on the phone for two weeks, for hours and hours. He preferred the city to the suburbs. So did I.  He liked rock music, so did I!  He said he was jaded, What a coincidence so was I! He hated cats and I have two of them…

Oh…just minor details. Aside: Let me just say that in the literary world this is called foreshadowing, Mr. Haxflo did give me some clues regarding his ineptness in these late night convos that I overlooked at the time.

We both decided that with this information, we would proceed to the second round, and meet IRL. He said he wanted a BYOB and I told him to pick the place.

He picked a BYOT…

Yeah…that’s right…complete with checkerboard table cloths, and vinyl booth seats.